Forging Healthy Connections by Trevor Crow

Author:Trevor Crow [Crow, LMFT, Trevor; Karinch, Maryann]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780882824536
Publisher: New Horizon Press

DETERMINING YOUR ADULT ATTACHMENT STYLE

We have created an informal questionnaire to help you ascertain some things about your attachment style. It’s not a test instrument like the Attachment Interview Protocol that a researcher might use. This is just a simple set of questions to help you determine what informs how you behave and react to your partner as well as others in your life. Keep in mind that behaviors are reciprocal, so this set of questions may lead you to an understanding of why your partner and others respond to you in a particular way, too.

Couples Attachment Questionnaire

When your partner is annoyed, frustrated or even angry with you, you:

a)Don’t react to the anger, but ask what is going on with your partner and offer to help by empathizing with his/her situation.

b)Become afraid to make matters worse, thinking that whatever you say will only make your partner angrier; you pull back. Perhaps you don’t know what to do, so you shut down.

c)Become angry and fight back.

When you feel as if your partner is distant and not interested in your feelings or what you need, you:

a)Ask your partner for attention and understanding, saying you feel lonely and disconnected from him or her.

b)Clam up and say less, hoping your partner will pull it out of you, because he or she really should know you well enough to read your mind.

c)Yell loudly and criticize your partner to get attention.

When you disagree, who yells the loudest or says the most?

a)You’re a listener, not a yeller.

b)If your partner starts yelling, you leave the room—or maybe the house.

c)You do.

Who is the first to “make nice” or attempt a repair after you have a fight?

a)You are.

b)Your partner is.

c)Both are: sometimes you, sometimes your partner.

When you observe your partner talking to another person at a party who is attractive, you:

a)Wait until your partner’s conversation is over and later tell your partner that it was hard for you to watch him or her talking to an attractive person. It made you feel worried and vulnerable. Then you ask for reassurance and reconnection from your partner.

b)Walk away and ask for a glass of wine, vowing never to talk about it but secretly hoping your partner sees how hurt you are.

c)Get angry, interrupt the conversation and criticize your partner there or later, blaming your partner for being insensitive or rude.

When your partner is feeling an intense emotion (fear, joy, grief) you:

a)Reach out, empathizing with your partner, allowing your partner to feel the intensity of the emotion while staying with him or her in the experience, hoping to provide comfort and support.

b)Try to help him or her by saying “this is not a big deal,” “it will go away” or “don’t pay attention to it.”

c)Try to step in and solve the problem in order to alleviate the emotion.

When something goes wrong, you:

a)Aim for shared understanding of what happened.

b)Either take the blame or go straight to blame-sharing to avoid confrontation.

c)Blame the other person.

If you chose the first answer to most of the questions you are most likely a securely attached person.

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